By John Moltz
March 24, 2023 2:14 PM PT
This Week in Apple: Congrats, Russian kids!
What have we learned? This week, it’s that Russia is not happy with iPhones, the iPhone 15 will not be the same as the iPhone 14, and that Apple has reported to Spring Training in the best shape of its life and is ready to play ball.
Jokes that date to the Cold War
The word from the Kremlin this week is that Apple can’t quit Russia, it’s fired! Due to the upcoming Russian elections (gosh, I wonder what the results will be!), the government has banned officials from using iPhones. Their suggestion for what officials should do with them? ”Either throw it away or give it to the children.”
And, if you don’t wipe them, the kids will get their very first lesson in collecting kompromat! Training the next generation for a future in politics: it’s a win-win.
What exactly is Russia’s problem with iPhones, you may ask? Well, the official line is that the ban is “because of concerns that the devices are vulnerable to Western intelligence agencies.”
Really? The smartphone from the company that the FBI tried to strong-arm into creating a back door to is vulnerable to Western intelligence? OK. Surely this doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that Apple stopped selling iPhones in Russia because of the country’s invasion of Ukraine. (Russians can still buy iPhones via parallel importing from other markets without Apple’s consent, but at a greater price and with a longer wait time.)
Apple previously capitulated to Russia by adding a step to the setup process to install apps preferred by the government (apps would be installed by default, but users could individually select to not install apps). But based on the comments above it seems like we’ve gone from detente to just taunt.
Buttoning up the iPhone 15 rumors
iPhone 15 rumors continue to churn like a stomach in an ad for Pepto Bismol. Current rumors suggest the upcoming line of smartphones will feature a new unified volume button and that the mute switch will be replaced by a button.
Depending on who you ask, this is either a godsend that will finally usher in a new era of 100 percent iPhone satisfaction or a devastating reversal in usability akin to removing the thumbs of every iPhone user in the world. (Look, if God did not want me to make such lazy strawmen, then he wouldn’t have made them burn so beautifully.) Whichever the case, I’m sure we can all solve this by arguing in forum threads before anyone has actually held one of the new devices if we just keep at it.
Meanwhile, another rumor has it the iPhone 15 Pro Max will strip the Thinnest Bezel trophy away from Samsung by shaving a gigantic two-thirds of a millimeter off the bezel of its iPhone 14 version. This is assuming you don’t count phones like 2019’s Xiaomi Mix Alpha, which wrapped around the sides of the phone but was considered a “concept smartphone” and sold for about $2,800.
The concept that phone seems to have proved is that, yes, bezels can be too thin if moving them into negative territory makes the phone cost more than twice as much as the most expensive mainstream phone.
Sportsball corner
Friday Night Baseball is back and, as Jason details, it features some changes this year. First, broadcasts will now be limited to Apple TV+ subscribers. This is disappointing, but not surprising, as Apple paid a lot for those rights. Now it’s your turn.
On a happier note, starting this season viewers can choose between listening to the national broadcasters or home team broadcasters. Is this what they call selection bias? Of course, sports rights wouldn’t be sports rights if there weren’t some special licensing deals in there that will put an asterisk on this. Sorry, Rangers and Blue Jays fans.
That’s not all the news this week related to Apple and sports. According to Bloomberg, the company is considering a bid for the rights to stream the English Premier League football games. We in the United States may know the English Premier League better as the league Ted Lasso’s Richmond Greyhounds start out in. And we may know “football” as “English football”, “soccer” or “Falling down dramatically and clutching at your knee.”
If Apple were to secure the rights which are currently held by NBC, it would be ironic because it was NBC securing them that created Ted Lasso in the first place. Jason Sudeikis originally created the character to promote NBC’s coverage before pitching it as a show. The rest is history. Bidding for these rights is expected to be as hot as Jamie Tartt in a calendar shoot, though, so don’t hold your breath waiting for Apple to walk away with it.
[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]