By Dan Moren
July 31, 2023 6:06 PM PT
The Back Page: Credit where credit is due
There’s no shortage of news in the technology arena this week. Elon Musk changed the name of Twitter to a single letter.1 Samsung announced some new foldable phones.2 And the United Kingdom is threatening to outlaw encryption.3
But unquestionably the biggest news of this week is one that will shake the very foundations of our society: Tim Cook could not get approved for an Apple Card.
If you’re anything like me, this story raises way more questions than it answers. Like…what does Tim Cook need with a credit card?4 I’m not a billionaire, but I kind of assumed that at a certain point, people just give you things because they feel like it’s rude to ask for any of your billions of dollars. Is someone at Caffé Macs charging Tim four bucks for a coffee? Really?
So what are we forced to conclude here? Is Tim Cook secretly not a billionaire? Does he have lousy credit because in 1975 he borrowed a copy of Running Trillion Dollar Companies for Dummies from the Robertsdale Public Library and forgot to return it?
It sure must be tough for Tim not to have an Apple Card. Think about all those cash back opportunities he’s missing—after all, the man practically lives at Apple. At least it explains why he hasn’t retired from his role yet: how could he, when he can’t earn four percent on his savings?
What I’m saying is it’s not easy to be Tim Cook. Yes, he’s probably a billionaire. Sure, he might be in great physical shape. He definitely gets to see all the really cool things Apple comes up with before everyone else. The man is probably wearing a Vision Pro and sitting on the moon right now.
But does anyone ever stop and ask Tim Cook what he wants?
Because I think he just wants to be treated like the rest of us. He semes liek the type to shun the spotlight, not revel it. At the end of the day, Tim just wants to be free. Free to enjoy his meetings with world leaders, trips to prestigious sporting events, and downloading his consciousness into a robot body that will outlive us all.5
But despite his desire to just be an everyman, please spare a thought for Tim having to dig through his pockets for change the next time he wants to pay for a parking meter and can’t simply use the Apple Card on his phone. Or worse, having to ask Eddy Cue. Because he is definitely a man who carries his titanium Apple Card with him everywhere he goes.
- At least pick something cool and edgy like a Cyrillic character. But no, he’s just indulging his X-Men fetish. And not in a cool way. ↩
- Remember, folks: any phone is foldable if you really believe in yourself. ↩
- At which point—say it with me—only outlaws will have encryption. ↩
- Strong “what does god need with a starship?” energy. ↩
- Oh, come on, we all know one of the tech billionaires is doing it. ↩
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors, as well as an author, podcaster, and two-time Jeopardy! champion. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His next novel, the sci-fi adventure Eternity's Tomb, will be released in November 2026.]