By Dan Moren
August 31, 2023 9:00 AM PT
The Back Page: Chaaaarge!
Who’s ready for some collective outrage? I’ve asked Ernesto, my incomparable penguin valet1, to fire up the Semi-Perpetual Rage Machine that we keep in the basement for just such an eventuality.
With what shall we fuel this diabolical machine? Nothing less than the most powerful emotional trigger in the entire technology industry. Okay, besides, AI stealing human jobs and appropriating creative work. Well, yes, there’s also crypto currency. And…you know…everything Elon Musk does. Okay, let’s say top ten: new charging cables.
The horror, etc. etc.
Apple is poised to once again, as it has every year decade, change the port on the iPhone. This—this—is why I have The Hague on speed dial.2
The self-same capriciousness and callous disregard that led to Apple abandoning SCSI in <checks notes> 1999 has struck again.
I think we can all agree that Apple hit the pinnacle of connector design with 2012’s Lightning port: it was fast, it was small, and it was symmetrical! What could they possibly replace it with that might match those huge advantages? What conceivable benefits could a new port bring? Am I going to somehow charge my phone with an even faster flow of electrons? Send data even more quickly? Insert the connector the wrong way even less? Good one!
And then there’s matter of waste. I’ve been unable to extricate this snarl of Lightning cables from this drawer since roughly 2017, so what am I supposed to do, empty it out and use it to store something more useful like…pens?
All of this harkens back to another Apple decision that shall forever live in infamy: the removal of the headphone port on the iPhone 7. Nobody—not the company, nor its customers, nor those not yet born who may some day use a smartphone—has recovered—or ever will recover—from that travesty. Eons from now, children will be born with a hole in their souls, never knowing exactly what is missing: a hole that can only be filled by a hole.3
But what can we do against a behemoth such as Apple, that insists on constantly “improving” its products. The answer is simple: Resist! Refuse to buy in! Clutch your old iPhone desperately to your chest and refuse to cede it to those jackbooted Cupertino thugs. They can have it when they pry it from your clammy, sweat-addled grip!4
Beware, though, for they will try to entice you with shiny gewgaws: flashy bigger displays, all manner of Action buttons, and whizbang A72 processors. But your ancient iPhone will be good enough! There’s nothing wrong with running iOS 12 for the rest of your natural life! And on your deathbed, you can rasp a papery chuckle and rest easy, knowing that in the end you’ve triumphed where others have fallen—you have gotten one over on Big Port.
Ernesto? You may shut down the Semi-Perpetual Rage Machine; I think it’s sufficiently charged. Besides, I need to plug in my pho—wait, what do you mean the Semi-Perpetual Rage Machine only has USB-C ports?!
- First introduced to the Dan Cinematic Universe in Gadgetbox, July 31, 2007; last seen in Gadgetbox, May 7, 2008. —Ed. ↩
- The Semi-Perpetual Rage Machine, after all, is not fueled by reason. ↩
- That hole is the headphone jack. The second hole, I mean. ↩
- Which will, to be fair, make it easier for them to pry loose. ↩
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors, as well as an author, podcaster, and two-time Jeopardy! champion. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His next novel, the sci-fi adventure Eternity's Tomb, will be released in November 2026.]