By John Moltz

August 4, 2023 2:30 PM PT

This Week in Apple: Only competing against yourself

The rumor mill giveth again, as more updated devices are on the horizon—some in zeitgeisty colors. Apple’s down quarter, meanwhile, won’t stop the company from being the best dang technology company it can be.

AirTags Pro

It’s been weeks since Apple announced new devices so you’re probably getting as itchy as I am for new stuff. Or maybe it’s because I switched brands of talcum powder. If it’s the former, though, let us never fear: this is why the Apple rumor mill was invented.

All hail the Apple rumor mill and its infallible nature, amen.

Apple supply chain diviner Ming-Chi Kuo says Apple could begin making updated AirTags in late 2024.

New AirTags? Oh, great. They’re so small, how am I supposed to find the ones I already have to upgrade them?!

If only there were some sort of app for that.

There doesn’t seem to be any rush to upgrade, however, as the primary feature of the new little doohickeys noted by Kuo is better integration with the Vision Pro. Cool, my $29 thingamajigs that are almost there just to be stolen will work better with a $3,500 device I can’t afford. Fantastic.

Meanwhile, once given up for dead, the iPad mini might also be getting a refresh later this year. Possible targets of upgrade on the diminutive device include the processor (naturally) as well as the cameras and the addition of Apple Pencil hover.

The iPad lineup may be a little confusing with its various models and sizes at price points that often overlap and have a myriad of storage options, but there isn’t a one of them that is not a good device at a fair price. Just don’t get the wrong one.

NOT THAT ONE!

Ugh. You blew it. Pff. I tried to tell you.

The Barbenheimer color palette

Long derided as a “flop”, these days it’s getting so that you can’t swing a MagSafe puck without hitting someone wearing an Apple Watch. You also can’t swing one because of these so-called “liability laws”. Thanks, nanny state.

Last year’s Apple Watch Ultra injected some excitement into the line, which had not become boring but perhaps staid, albeit at a cost most people are probably not going to pay. Most of us will have to wait for features to trickle down from the Ultra, which is really kind of a bad term, isn’t it? “Trickle” isn’t as bad a word as “moist” but it’s certainly insulting in its insinuations of being both slow and in small quantities.

This year Apple seems set to fall back on an old trick to entice people to buy: colors.

Rumor has it the Apple Watch Ultra 2 will also be available in black titanium. Finally, a smartwatch for rich, athletic goths. So, when you’re trail running in your Doc Martins, mascara running down your face, you’ll have the cool satisfaction of knowing you can access your running app with just one click, unlike the rest of us slobs.

Take some consolation, however, fellow slobs! The standard Apple Watch will reportedly be adding a pink color option to the lineup. It’s almost as if the company knew what the hot movies of the summer would be.

Or it’s a complete coincidence that I’ve just made into a section header. You be the judge.

Victim of its own success

Apple posted a 1-percent decrease in revenue for the quarter, which comes after a 3-percent decrease in the previous quarter. As Jason explains, most of this is due to the company having had such a great 2022.

Suffice it to say that it’s not all gloom and doom for everyone’s favorite fruit-themed company from Cupertino. Word on the streets in South Korea is that people under the age of 30 are switching to iPhones in greater numbers, according to Counterpoint Research. Meanwhile, on this quarter’s conference call with analysts, Tim Cook said the company experienced:

…a June quarter record for iPhone switchers and high new-to rates in Mac, iPad, and Watch, coupled with very high levels of customer satisfaction and loyalty.

Still, the company expects next quarter to be down for both the Mac and the iPad, offsetting increases for the iPhone and services.

Try to remember, though, that it’s not like Apple is posting losses. This is the company being compared to itself, arguably the most successful company in the world. Even Idris Elba probably has days when he’s not looking absolutely stunning in every single imaginable way.

I mean, theoretically. No one has ever observed one, of course.

[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]