By John Moltz
September 8, 2023 2:00 PM PT
This Week in Apple: Highly dubious!
Who wants cheap MacBooks and USB-C iPhones?! Everyone. Apple sets things on the spin cycle and the UK government seems stuck on a roundabout.
Wish fulfillment
This week saw a rumor about a low-cost MacBook make the rounds. This brings to mind the buzz that Apple was going to release a “netbook” before it introduced the original MacBook Air.
“Here’s your ‘netbook’. It has one USB port and it costs $1,800. Enjoy.”
Apple’s revenue has been relatively flat for the last year and a half. What makes anyone think it would introduce anything low-cost, particularly to compete with Chromebooks?
Meanwhile, a survey out this week says that as much as 44 percent of Android users would be tempted to switch to the iPhone if it goes to USB-C! Sight unseen! Wow! Don’t tell me anything else about it, just give me that sweet, sweet USB-C!
Was this a survey of European Union lawmakers?
Look, while there probably are some people who will switch because of a connector they are not all that likely to use very often, surveys of buying intentions are largely meaningless. Honestly, surveys of any intentions are probably meaningless.
“This is the year I’m finally gonna get in shape!”
[12 months later]
“[belch] OK, that didn’t happen.”
If USB-C checks off that final box for a few connector pedants, well, welcome to the iPhone. That’s not how Apple designs phones, though.
Protesting Too Much 2: The Re-Protesting
Another week, another story about how Apple is totally into AI, y’all! Like, so much AI goin’ on up in this hizzous. Yeah, dawg.
(Look, I know that’s not a cool way to try to talk cool, I just imagine Apple thinks it’s a cool way to try to talk cool.)
“Apple Boosts Spending to Develop Conversational AI”
According to The Information, Apple spent ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS for GPT-4! Sure, that’s a lot of money for most people, but actually not all people. It’s not really that much for companies, though, particularly Apple. I did the math and Apple makes that much in revenue in less than three hours. That’s one viewing of Oppenheimer’s worth of commitment. I mean, that’s a long movie, but still.
Meanwhile, despite stories indicating Apple’s developer sessions with Vision Pro were not well attended, Apple would like you to know that everyone is hella excited about the Vision Pro!
(Yeah, they’re still doing that cool talking thing. So embarrassing.)
“How Apple inspired creators to take a risk on its $3,500 Vision Pro”
The company has seen “extremely high, three-digit customer satisfaction for the labs that we’ve run so far,” says Prescott, using a creative way to imply universally positive feedback.
Like 898 percent customer satisfaction. So many customers, so much sat.
Apple also said downloads of the SDK had exceeded the company’s expectations, which may be true but is obviously not verifiable. Just take their word for it.
Anarchy in the UK
It was a wild week in the United Kingdom. First we heard that the government had backed off on its intention to bust end-to-end encryption open like a piñata full of crime instead of candy.
“UK pulls back from clash with Big Tech over private messaging” (Paywalled)
This news sadly upset proponents of the legislation. I really feel for them because they’re probably already so distraught over things like all the horrible shows on TV right now, the music the kids listen to these days, the way youngsters wear their pants, that awful Dungeons & Dragons game…
Richard Collard, head of child safety online policy at the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children, said: “Our polling shows the UK public overwhelmingly support measures to tackle child abuse in end-to-end encrypted environments.
Ah, yes, circumventing end-to-end encryption. Definitely on the list of things the public fully understands the implications of. Like Brexit.
“Tech firms can show industry leadership by listening to the public and investing in technology that protects both the safety and privacy rights of all users.”
“Dammit, don’t tell me it’s impossible, I wanna ride a unicorn!”
Privacy groups were all letting out a sigh of relief, but there’s just a small problem here. Who exactly said the government was backing down?
In a statement to the House of Lords on Wednesday afternoon, junior arts and heritage minister Lord Stephen Parkinson sought to mark an eleventh-hour effort to end a stand-off with tech companies…
“Junior arts and heritage minister.” Now, I may not be at all familiar with how British politics works, but that doesn’t sound like an authoritative source on a bill covering encrypted personal messaging.
And, wouldn’t you know it, the Minister for Technology says it’s all codswallop! Follygaggery! Slackjawldery!
“UK has not backed down in tech encryption row, minister says”
Little Stevie Parkinson, you go to your room!
“We haven’t changed the bill at all,” [Technology minister Michelle Donelan] told Times Radio.
“It’s on a computer and we don’t know how! Something about the cloud? I don’t know. I stopped listening after that.”
Donelan told reporters further work to develop the technology was needed, adding that government-funded research had shown it was possible, however she did not offer evidence to back her claim.
Her uncle works at Nintendo and he said it’s totally possible.
This is some real parents=saying-“Do it because we said so!” energy. Despite their protestations, this either ends with the bill getting changed or some real effing around and finding out.
[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]