By Dan Moren
October 31, 2023 5:01 PM PT
The Back Page: The horror, the horror
Halloween! The night when ghouls and goblins roam the streets, demanding treats of innocent residents. When fear haunts our every waking moment, and the line between the worlds of the living and the dead is blurred.
Also, when Apple (roughly) hosts an event to announce…*lightning, crash of thunder*, new Macs, mwahahahahahaha…
What seemed like it might be a one-off event from the year 2023 is destined to become an eerie tradition, as every year, Apple will announce a terrifying line-up of new Mac technology on the evening before Halloween.
With each year, however, the announcements grow more and more terrifying, until customers can hardly tune in to watch, lest their deepest, darkest fears be realized by the grinning reaper that is Tim Cook.
To alleviate these most frightful designs, we have cast the bones and consulted the omens of the two-headed oracle known as “Johnjohny” and can now exclusively reveal to you the spine-chilling announcements coming over the next several years.
2024: After having concluded its transition to USB-C, Apple immediately abandons the protocol for a new port, completely incompatible with all previous connectors, called C-BSU. It features a star-shaped connector that provides amazing throughput and unprecedented fast charging, but only if you put the correct point of the star facing upward. In all other directions, it will fry your devices and wipe all the data on them.
2025: A brand new model of Mac is unveiled, the Mac Quadformis 6300CD/AV. It features a 1080p webcam, one port, first-generation MagSafe, and a Touch Bar. It also includes dongles for backward compatibility with Apple Desktop Bus and Token Ring, and comes standard with a 14.4kbps modem, hockey puck mouse, and butterfly keyboard without inverted-T arrow keys. Apple’s stock price soars, despite the—and perhaps fueled by—the wailing of Mac users everywhere.
2026: On the eve of Apple’s half-century milestone, Tim Cook concludes the annual event by announcing that he is stepping down as CEO of Apple. In retiring, he will take up the mantle of Chairman of Apple’s Board and High Priest of the Coming Revelation. He does not explain what that means, but says that he is very excited for Apple’s future pipeline and says that the company continues to be dedicated to surprising its customers. His laughter echoes throughout the cavernous confines of Apple Park.
2027: The veil between this world and the next is pierced, and the dread god Glog-Raggopth (all praise his name) emerges, ushered into our plane via the conduit of his maniacal High Priest and strengthened by the years of despair from Mac users. He proceeds to devour the souls of those unfortunate enough to tune in to watch. Minds are sucked dry, people left as barely living shells, cursed to stare vapidly into glowing screens—if such a meager existence can even be called living.
2028: Glog-Raggopth is pleased to announce the release of the revolutionary M8 MacBook Air, lighter than ever, with unprecedented performance and multi-day battery life. It’ll be available for just $999 and is manufactured with a completely carbon neutral process, exemplifying Apple’s commitment to the environment. It’s a product that only Apple, with its unique combination of hardware, software, services, and eldritch energy, could make, and Glog-Raggopth proclaims it the best Mac the company has ever made. And here, they’ve made a video!
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors, as well as an author, podcaster, and two-time Jeopardy! champion. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His next novel, the sci-fi adventure Eternity's Tomb, will be released in November 2026.]