By John Moltz
March 29, 2024 2:00 PM PT
This Week in Apple: Good Friday? Best Friday.
That title has nothing to do with this week’s column as, yep, Apple’s being investigated again. But WWDC is coming and so are new products. Life goes on.
He’s a brick… haaaause
Apple is clearly having a fun time right now and everything is going great.
I mean, in addition to the Department of Justice suit, it’s also being investigated by the EU and could get fined up to 10 percent of its global revenue, or even 20 percent if it gets saucy. So, there’s that. But, all in all, a great spring, everything is going super great, all green across the board.
[lights and sirens blaring behind him]
Speaking of Apple’s App Store travails, The Wall Street Journal took a look at that fine fresh Apple Fellow, Phil Schiller. Their conclusion after talking to a guy who doesn’t like Schiller? He’s all that’s wrong with the App Store.
“He’s a brick wall when it comes to these matters,” [former App Store review head, fart app maker and Disgruntled Former Employees Fund poster child Phillip] Shoemaker said. “I just don’t think he’s ever going to leave.”
Um, well, he’ll leave eventually.
We all leave eventually.
To be fair to Shoemaker, lots of other people think Schiller is a big road block to real change for the App Store, too. The others just don’t also accuse him of being one of the undying.
There was some good news for Apple this week as a judge tossed out a suit from people who wanted to pay for things with their bits, doges, and other global warming coins. Don’t worry, cryptobros, you can still get cash out of your accounts at that sketchy gas station near the sports stadium. And they probably take less than 30 percent.
Making a mess
At least we’ll have other things to talk about with WWDC coming up. Apple announced its annual fete is set for June 10th to the 14th.
According to Bloomberg, this will be “the most ambitious overhaul of the iPhone’s software in its history.”
Even bigger than iOS 7? Bigger than getting copy and paste?
Bigger than getting a free U2 album?
Highly dubious.
This week brought rumors of a more customizable home screen which would allow you to place icons anywhere, removing the grid restriction. The tagline for the new software is expected to be “EMBRACE CHAOS”.
iOS 18 is also widely expected to include that ay ai everyone’s talking about. Bloomberg’s Mark Gurman doesn’t expect Apple to ship a chatbot, but instead will focus on “new proactive features to assist users in their daily lives”.
Coulda used those about 30 years ago, Apple. Way to close the barn doors.
If that’s not enough for you, Maps in iOS 18 will reportedly bring custom routes and topographical maps.
Finally, and this is a Six Colors exclusive for members only, iOS 18 will include…
…other things.
Remember, you read it here first.
iPads and Schrödable iPhones
If our pal Mark Gurman is right (disclosure: I have never knowingly met Mark Gurman), April will be as lacking in new iPads as March was.
“Apple to Launch New iPad Pro and iPad Air Models in May”
Apple has apparently had a harder time than it expected getting the number of OLED screens needed for the new devices, thus causing it to miss the highly lucrative Easter iPad business. Sorry, kids! It’s just chocolate again.
At least those iPads don’t present a quantum mechanical problem with probability implications.
“Foldable iPhone Could Arrive in 2027 or Be Postponed Indefinitely”
Way to hedge your bets, rumor mill.
In one cited case, one of the latest folding panels made by Samsung reportedly “broke down after a few days” under Apple’s rigorous internal testing, which allegedly caused Apple to put the entire project on ice for the foreseeable future.
Please feel free to make your own “You’re folding it wrong.” jokes.
[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]