By John Moltz
August 16, 2024 2:00 PM PT
This Week in Apple: In the service of revenue
Apple fights the good fight for services revenue, a host of new products are on the horizon, and maybe we should all move to Europe. Is there room?
Sticking it to the man
Apple would like to inform you freeloading… [squints and reads]… small independent artists and creators…
Huh. Sorry, that’s just what it says here.
…freeloading small independent artists and creators that the days of riding high off of its platform…
Again, just reading what it says.
…the platform that’s made it the richest company in the history of companies and also just history… [deep breath] …are over.
I am literally just reading their press release. Don’t shoot the messenger.
OK, that is not strictly speaking from an actual Apple press release, but it is directionally correct as the company has decided to start taking 30 percent of Patreon transactions on iOS.
“Apple Requiring Patreon to Use In-App Purchase and Pay 30% Fee for Memberships”
You know those Patreon creator fat cats, getting rich off their, uh, fan fiction and online cartoons and whatnot. Disgusting how they’re rolling in it. WELL, thank goodness those days are coming to an end.
In addition to getting its hard-earned (?) 30 percent from these deplorable leeches, Apple is also insisting that everyone use a subscription model because Tim Cook is as addicted to services revenue as Doc Holliday was to laudanum.
Oh, you can only create stuff to distribute via Patreon irregularly because you have to work a day job to pay the bills so a subscription doesn’t make sense for you? Sucks to be you. Tim needs a smooth revenue stream.
Someone needs to rent out a suite at an Extended Stay America because that guy needs an intervention.
New stuff!
Well, if you don’t like Apple’s App Store policies (who does?), at least there’s a slew of new products to look forward to.
The iPhone SE 4 is rumored to have 8GB of RAM in order to accommodate Apple Intelligence, which could lead to a lineup conundrum. The iPhone 15 would normally still be sold at a higher price than the SE, but it won’t be able to take advantage of Apple Intelligence. Having seen those Image Playground results, maybe this will be sold as a feature.
Good news for those of you with a “I WANT TO BELIEVE” poster featuring a large iMac pinned up over your desk (you know who you are).
“Apple Still Developing Bigger iMac With Over 30-Inch Display”
Keep hope alive, size queens!
Apple is also apparently pushing ahead with its tabletop robot thingy, which may be available as soon as 2026 at a sub-$1,000 price point. I wouldn’t bank on that date, though, as I seem to recall we were also told we’d all be driving Apple cars by this point and, I cannot stress this enough, that did not happen.
Also still in the pipeline are the iPhone 17 “Air”, for those who don’t want the Pro internals but would still like to pay more, and a cheaper Apple Vision product, which could arrive possibly as early as next year. With great physical products like these coming, who needs services revenue?
Tim Cook, that’s who.
Congratulations, Europe
The EU continues to make headway against Apple on its most egregious App Store policies.
“Apple Allows Spotify to Show Pricing Info to EU Users in iPhone App”
Here in the U.S., we are proud to be protected from such pernicious and dangerous thoughts as the metric system, the existence of the dodecahedron, and prices that you might be able to obtain [shudder] outside of the App Store.
Despite these dangers, the EU is still apparently for the kids.
“Fortnite and Epic Games Store now available on iPhone in the EU”
Boy, the EU has everything. Maybe someone should tell the EU about Patreon.
[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]