By Dan Moren
March 31, 2025 1:02 PM PT
The Back Page: Worldwide Distraction Conference
The big news of the last month has been Apple’s inability to ship its most anticipated and most ambitious Apple Intelligence features on time. Granted, though this is a bit of a black eye for the company, it’s unlikely to hurt it in the long run.
Still, as the company Worldwide Developers Conference is fast approaching, there’s certainly an argument that Apple might want to take some of the pressure off by gently redirecting attendees to some other exciting announcements. Some have gone so far as to suggest that the rumored redesign of iOS 19 is just Apple trying to distract users and the media from its shortcomings in the AI realm.
Respectfully, I disagree. Not because Apple is above this, but because if the company really wanted to distract people from talking about Apple Intelligence there are way better things it could announce.
In the interest of helping out a trillion dollar corporation that definitely needs my help, here are just a few things that could show up in Apple’s keynote that would have people saying “Apple Intelliwhatnow?”
Announce Vision Pro 2: Remember back in 2023 when all eyes—sorry not sorry—were on Apple’s rumored headset? Ah, those were the days. Maybe it’s time for a pre-AI throwback to bring back the heady excitement of years gone by. I’m thinking a brand new Apple Vision Pro with an updated processor, lighter construction, and most importantly no screen on the outside to see a fake version of your eyes. Oh, also, as long as we’re going for shock and awe, it’ll cost half the price of the original Apple Vision Pro, and still nobody will buy it. And isn’t that exactly the kind of bananas decision that’s going to get everyone’s attention?
Revive AirPort: Apple abandoned the router game back in back in 2018, but there’s no time like the present to dig up the corpse of a beloved product line and reanimate it. Really, there’s nothing consumers love more than networking hardware—they’re downright passionate about it, at least when they can tell the difference between a router and a modem. Which one connects to my TV again?
Ship AirPower: It says something that AirPort is only the second most mythical Apple product line that starts with “AirP.” Look, sometimes it just takes a little bit of time to perfect your hardware, polishing all those minor details that Apple likes to focus on, like chamfered edges and not catching on fire.
Update the Mac Pro: Of course the existence of the M3 Ultra Mac Studio means that a more powerful chip is just waiting in the wings for the Mac Pro. Even better, I hear Apple’s crack processor team of Bigfoot and Nessie have been real hard at work on it.
Redesign the Magic Mouse: I know Apple just finally switched the Magic Mouse to USB-C, but hear me out: that means a redesign would be that much more unexpec—wait, what now? Damn it, stay in your lane, Apple.
[Dan Moren is the East Coast Bureau Chief of Six Colors, as well as an author, podcaster, and two-time Jeopardy! champion. You can find him on Mastodon at @dmoren@zeppelin.flights or reach him by email at dan@sixcolors.com. His next novel, the sci-fi adventure Eternity's Tomb, will be released in November 2026.]