By John Moltz
April 4, 2025 2:00 PM PT
This Week in Apple: Begun, these stupid trade wars have
Apple gets caught in the middle of a trade war like Maoi Madakor; if you have to ask how much the foldable iPhone will cost, you can’t afford one; and you might need to settle your Apple tab with a new card company.
On the tumble cycle
Good news, everyone! Everything is about to get a lot more expensive for no good reason! Also, you now have less money literally overnight.
You’re welcome.
How did it come to this, you, Theoden, King of the Riddermark may ask? Well, as Finis Valorum will tell you, trade wars are good and easy to win.
Look, this is all super frustrating and very stupid and pointless, so I’m just going to jam a bunch of references in here and try to speed run to the end, OK?
But that was just Wednesday. It got worse! By Thursday it was 10% and the drop continued on Friday as China announced matching tariffs in response.
Wait, why is this affecting Apple?! They’re all paid up with the boss!
“iPhones Could Cost Up to $2,300 in the U.S. Due to Tariffs, Analyst Says”
That… that’s a lot.
Remind me again what, exactly, Tim Cook got for that $1 million contribution to Trump’s inaugural fund? Was it a commemorative plate? Because it certainly doesn’t seem like it curried him any favor. Possibly Tim’s parents never read him If You Give A Mouse a Cookie as a child and he didn’t realize that currying favor is a full-time job.
“Tim, son, if yah give a mouse a cookie, that’ll be the end of it.”
OK, Tim’s dad.
Don’t worry about Tim’s dad’s son, though. That guy cleverly cashed out some spending change right before the Trump stock market crash (well, this Trump stock market crash, look for more coming soon to a stock market near you).
“Apple CEO Tim Cook Sells Stock Worth $24 Million”
While all this is bad news for Apple and Apple customers and basically everyone who’s not a gazillionaire, there’s worse news still.
“Nintendo delays Switch 2 pre-orders in response to Trump tariffs”
I was going to joke “OK, this isn’t funny anymore.” but, honestly, it really wasn’t funny to begin with.
Folding like an expensive suit
If the top of the line iPhone Pro might cost as much as $2,300, just imagine how much Apple’s rumored foldable iPhone might cost.
“Apple’s answer for iPhone mini lovers could be coming next year”
As far as screen sizes go, the foldable iPhone is rumored to be an iPhone mini in the streets and an iPad mini in the sheets.
Depending on how you use your iPhone, I guess. I’m not here to judge.
Except for you, Karl. Gross.
Ming-Chi Kuo suggests the foldable iPhone will have a 5.5-inch screen on the outside and a 7.8-inch screen on the inside.
Do you know what this means for long-suffering iPhone mini fans?! Absolutely nothing because the human body does not contain enough kidneys to sell in order to afford one.
Balance forward
At least that balance you won’t be able to pay off might be on a brand new shiny Apple Card from another credit card company. That… that’ll be fun, right?
According to The Wall Street Journal:
“Visa Offers Apple Roughly $100 Million to Take Over Credit Card From Mastercard”
$100 million? That’s just 100 Trump Inauguration Collectible Plates.
American Express is also reportedly making offers for the Apple Card business but seems to be a bit of a dark horse since it’s not usable everywhere like Visa is, particularly at Costco.
But, let’s face it, news in general just seems to be of lesser and lesser quality these days so don’t be surprised if it does end up being American Express. And there’s an annual fee. And a punch in the gut.
[John Moltz is a Six Colors contributor. You can find him on Mastodon at Mastodon.social/@moltz and he sells items with references you might get on Cotton Bureau.]