The Back Page: I don’t know what you’re talking about, these terms are very clear

Last week, Apple rolled out the latest revision to its App Store terms in the European Union and they made, as they say in Europe, a bit of a contretemps.¹

Some have lambasted these rules as “needlessly complex” or “clear as mud” or “I don’t know what lambaste means, it sounds like what you do before broiling those chops, but I’m still angry!” But I’ve completed a careful analytical reading of the new terms, and feel confident that the revised agreement is nothing more than sheer elegance in its simplicity. Allow me to elucidate.

You, the developer, get paid. Apple takes some percentage of that—ah ah ah, yes, I know the question “how much?” is already burning on your lips, but stay with me: I am simplifying.

The amount of that percentage depends on a few basic factors: are you in the Small Business Program? Did you agree to the alternative business terms?…